


as in olden days

by iihappydaysii



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alzheimer's Disease, Angst, Dementia, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Parent Phan, Sad, grandparent phan, old dnp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-07-10 12:17:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15949184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iihappydaysii/pseuds/iihappydaysii
Summary: Phil doesn't remember their life together anymore and Dan knows he never will.





	as in olden days

“If your father says it’s Christmas, it’s Christmas.” Dan dragged another box labeled “Xmas Decorations” out of the the cupboard.

Dan and Phil had a cupboard under the stairs. It was one the reasons they’d bought the house all those years ago. _A cupboard under the stairs, just like Harry Potter._ There was an old home video of Phil saying that and Dan giving him that look and mouthing “this guy”, but they’d bought the house and still they lived in now. After everything.

“Dad, don’t you think that maybe you shouldn’t indulge him?”

“Holly.” Dan was grasping tinsel in his left hand. “We’ve been through this.”

“Dad—”

“Dan.” It was Phil. He was using his walker to slowly move his way into the hall with them. “Did you get out the boxes? I need to write the Christmas cards. Are my Christmas cards in there?

“You used them all up last year,” Dan said. By last year, Dan meant two months ago. In March.

“We need to go out and buy more, then.”

“Papa, it’s March,” Holly said, dejectedly. “There won’t be any in the stores.”

Phil’s brow was furrowed, which gave him even more wrinkles than he already had. “Who are you?”

Holly shut her eyes, letting out a breath through her nose. “I’m your—”

“That’s Holly, Phil,” Dan said. “You know Holly. She drops by all the time.”

Phil nodded. “Oh, of course, She’s your daughter.”

Holly’s lips were pursed. She was stiff, head to toe, and it was easy to see she wanted to correct Phil, to insist _Yes, I’m his daughter, but I’m your daughter too._ Instead she just turned to Dan. “I have to go pick Elizabeth up from driver’s ed.”

“Are you coming back over after? I’ve ordered dinner.” Dan asked.

Holly just eyed the decorations, but avoided looking directly at Dan. “I don’t know, Dad.”

“Hol—”

“I don’t know. Elizabeth might have homework.”

“She can do her homework here.” Phil looked at Dan. “I’ve helped her with her homework before, haven’t I?”

Dan smiled at Phil. “Yes, dear.”

Phil just gave him a strange look again.

Holly looked at the decorations again, then sighed and said, “I really do have to go, Dad.”

After she left, Phil was sat in a chair in front of the box of decorations. He pulled out his own stocking—his name stitched in the top in green thread. Then, he pulled out another one. This one had Dan’s name stitched in it. Phil ran his fingers over the thread. He turned and looked at Dan.

“When’s he coming home, again? He loves Christmas. He won’t want to miss Christmas.”

“Why don’t we get out the ornaments? For the tree? I’ll even hang the star. You love that part.”

“But Dan always hangs the star.”

Dan sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. It was a shaky, which meant he probably needed to take his medication. “I know he does, but I don’t think he’ll be upset if I do it.”

“Dan hangs the star—”

“I know, Phil.”

“The other Dan! Not you.” There was an edge to his voice. “You’re not him.”

Dan shut his eyes and he steadied himself with a breath. “I bet I can order you some Christmas cards on Amazon.”

“Really?” Phil said, almost excitedly.

Thank God for changes of subject.

Dan was in the middle of ordering the snowman cards he’d found on Amazon when the phone rang.

“Hello,” Dan said.

“Hey, Dad.”

“Oh hey, Thomas. How are you?”

“Fine. Just on a break at work.”

“The hospital coffee as shitty as ever?” Dan asked, then coughed before finalizing the Christmas card order.

“Even worse actually, but it keeps me going through a double shift. Are you doing alright?”

“Just taking it a day at a time.”

Thomas didn’t say anything for a moment and then, “Dad, why do I hear Christmas music?”

Dan sighed. “Your father thinks it’s Christmas again.”

“Is he worse?”

“The same. Keeps asking for me, but not for me.”

“Shit, Dad. I’m so sorry. I can take a leave. I can come home.”

“No, no. It’s fine. I’ll let you know if something changes. Not that I wouldn’t love to see you, but…”

“Papa doesn’t have any idea who I am.”

“Tommy…”

“I get it, Dad. Olivia gets it. The kids get it too. It’s hard, but we all understand,” Thomas said. “We’ll all be there for Christmas, at the latest.”

“Which one?”

Thomas let out a quiet, sad laugh. “I love you.”

“Love you and Papa does too, you know.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Dan hung up the phone. The sound of Michael Buble singing Christmas carols was filling their house. Phil was in the lounge, setting out Christmas trinkets on the shelves. There had been a time where Dan had been hopeful that seeing reminders of the past they’d lived together were jog his memory. That one day he’d look at Dan and see him for who he really was. But he never did. When Phil looked at Dan, he saw a wrinkled, grey haired old man who just happened to share the name of the man he loved, the man he was perpetually waiting for. Who, in Phil’s mind, had gone out one day and never come back.

Michael Buble started singing “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”, and Phil said, “He and I used to dance to this.”

“I know,” Dan said.

“Have I told you that before?”

“You have,” Dan said, but he hadn’t. Dan just remembered because he lived it. He lived holding Phil in his arms as they moved to this song, lived sharing soft kisses beneath the tree while they were talking about starting a family.

“You’ll like him when you meet him. Dan, I mean. You remind me of him sometimes. Besides your name, I mean. You have the same sense of humor. Oh no… I didn’t mean to…”

There was a puddle of urine on the floor and a streak of wetness down his trousers. He must not have gotten his protective underwear on wrong. He hated when this happened because he knew how much it embarrassed Phil.

“It’s fine. Of course it’s fine. We’ll just get you all cleaned up. No problem.”

Dan helped Phil into their bathroom, and helped him work his wet trousers down off his legs.

“I’m sorry you have to—”

“Let’s just get you a warm wash cloth. Do you need to finish going while I get it?”

“I don’t think so,” Phil said.

Dan gave him a look. “Why don’t you try? Do you need help sitting down?”

Phil didn’t say yes, but he just looked at Dan and Dan knew what it meant so he walked over and helped Phil sit down on the toilet. As Phil finished, Dan wet a warm wash cloth. Phil washed his hands and then Dan helped clean off his legs with the cloth.

After they got Phil into some new clothes, Dan cleaned up the mess on the floor.

“Thank you,” Phil said, surprising Dan.

“It’s not a problem.”

“I… I don’t know why you take care of me, but I… I know you do and I… well, I’m glad.I like you.”

Dan looked up at Phil. “I like you too, Phil.” _I love you. I love you. I love you._

Not long after Dan cleaned it all up, the front door opened. Holly had come back with Elizabeth.

“Happy Christmas!” Elizabeth said, hugging Dan, and then she gave Phil a hug. “Happy Christmas, Phil.” Unlike her mother, Elizabeth had no problem playing along with Phil’s strange ideas. She was the first person to do it, and when Dan had saw how much better he’d reacted to that, than on insistence he accept reality, Dan had gone along with it too. And Thomas and his wife and their kids, when they were around. Holly was the last holdout. They’d always been close—Holly and Phil—and, to her, playing along was accepting a loss she wasn’t ready to accept.

“Happy Christmas,” he said back to her. “Your grandpa bought me some Christmas cards.”

“That’s cool,” Elizabeth said.

“How was driver’s ed?” Dan asked.

“Good. The teacher only had to use his emergency brake once.”

“You’re already driving better than I ever did.” Phil laughed. “Want to help me decorate the mantel?”

“Yeah, sounds fun.” Elizabeth walked off with Phil, his walker squeaking as he went.

“He remembers being a shit driver, but he doesn’t remember—”

“Holly.”

She ran a hand over her face. “I know, Dad. I know, and I know this is harder on you than anyone else, but I…” Holly sniffed, her eyes growing wet. She mopped at them with the back of her hand.

Dan pulled his daughter into a hug. “I know, baby. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

She stepped back and pulled herself together. “I don’t mean to be. It’s just hard. But I guess it’s better he doesn’t remember me at all, then remembers me and just keeps waiting for me.”

“I hate that sometimes he thinks I left him. I hate that more than almost any of the rest of it.”

“Mostly he just waits for you to come back though, doesn’t he?” Holly asked.

“Mostly.”

They walked together into the lounge where Phil and Elizabeth were putting decorations on the mantle. She’d helped him do this a few months ago too.

Dan just stopped, staring across their living room floor. The same floor where Thomas and Holly had taken their first steps, where they’d spent real Christmases together and eaten take-away in front of the telly. Where Thomas had told them he was getting married, and where Holly had said she was going to have a baby.

“Lizzie, can I ask you something?” Phil said, after arranging a snowman just so.

“Your grandpa’s married isn’t he?”

“Uh uh,” she said a little timidly. She was old enough and astute enough to be worried about where this was going.

“Why doesn’t he live with his wife?”

“He, uh, has a husband not a wife, Phil.”

“Oh…”

“What’s wrong?” Again, Elizabeth’s voice sounded timid.

“Nothing. I have a boyfriend… though I haven’t seen him in a while. He was nice and…cute,” Phil whispered. “I miss him.

“I know.”

There was a long pause where Phil was sort of just staring at snow globe he’d pulled out of the decorations box. “Can I tell you a secret? But you can’t tell anyone. Definitely not your grandpa.”

Elizabeth turned and looked at Phil. “I won’t. What is it?”

“I know he’s married and too old for me and there’s Dan… my boyfriend. I feel so guilty, but Lizzie, I think I might have feelings for your grandpa.”

 

 

 


End file.
